Control
by let's make this real
Summary: "I know you're probably wondering how exactly harming myself helps with my problems, am I right? Well, it puts me in control of my own pain. I have the power to stop it, unlike everything else, I'm in control." EClare. OFFICAL OFF HAITUS!
1. Hold On

**Okay, I just want to point out that everything before the first set of x's is a preface kind of thing. Everything after is before she starts cutting and stuff. Sorry if it's confusing. And there is going to be mentions of rape and self harm, just to warn you guys. Not in this chapter, though.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own *tear***

"_**When it falls apart and your feeling lost all your hope is gone, don't forget to hold on, hold on 'cause an empty room can be so loud It's too many tears to drown them out So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"**_

**xxxxxx**

You know you have a major problem when every time you see something relatively sharp, like a piece of broken glass or a knife while you're doing the dishes, you think about whether or not it could cut your skin well.

That's my problem. I cut as an escape. Sometimes it works, sometimes I have to do it a few times before it helps. I know you're probably wondering how exactly harming myself helps with my problems, am I right? Well, it puts me in control of my own pain. I have the power to stop it, unlike everything else, I'm in control.

It's oddly reassuring. With everything going on, it makes me feel better to know that, at the end of the day, I am still in control of something. I can't save my parents marriage, I can't take my virginity back from the bastard that stole it, I can fix my broken heart, and I can't trust anyone, anymore, but I still have control over something.

And that is all that's keeping me from going over the edge.

My control.

**xxxxxx**

"Clare?" Ms. Dawes calls, pulling me out of my slumber. I didn't get much sleep last night, on account of my parents bickering. I don't know how much more I can take it. They fought until four thirty.

I shoot up, pulling my head off of the desk and glance around. My face turns a dark scarlet when I notice everyone staring at me. I bow my head slightly, in hopes my red cheeks would be less noticeable. "Sorry, Ms. Dawes. It wont happen again." I say, glancing up at her, threw my eyelashes.

"Clare, what time did you go to sleep last night?" Crap. What am I suppose to tell her? 'Oh, I was up until four in the morning, because my parents couldn't shut up long enough to let me sleep'? Yeah, I think not. My face turns a darker red and Eli turns in his seat slightly, confusion and worry apparent in his eyes.

I clear my throat before answering. "I, um, well-" Ms. Dawes cuts me off.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a detention." She says, and turns back around. "Now, who knows when-" I block out her voice, shocked. I have never gotten a detention. Well, besides that one with Eli. But still, my parents are going to- not even notice, I think. Tears well up in my eyes at the thought that my parents will be to busy fighting to even notice I'm not there.

"Clare?" Eli says, bringing me out of my miserable thoughts. I look up and see he's turned around in his seat, staring at me.

"You're going to get into trou.." I trail off, looking around to see that everybody is sitting with their English partners. I look back at Eli. "Um, what exactly are we suppose to be doing?" I ask, more than a little confused. I avoid his gaze.

Instead of the smirk I was expecting, he frowns. "Clare, are you alright?" Eli asks me, trying to catch my eye. I manage to avoid his questioning eyes.

Of course I'm not alright, my parents marriage is falling apart and my dad could careless, my best friend is ditching me to hang out with the girl that stole my boy friend and a guy that might be using her, I now have detention, and on top of all that, I think I just might be in love with you. Yeah, like I'm going to tell him that.

I put my poker face on. "Everything is fine," I lie and change the subject. "So? What are we suppose to be doing?" I question again. I don't want to put all my problems on him.

His smirk returns, but it seems forced and he study's me closely as he answers, "We're editing each others papers that we were suppose to have written yesterday…" He trails of when he notices the panic written all over my face. "You.. Didn't write it did you?" He asks, his fake smirk falling off of his face.

I swallow the lump rising up in my throat and hold back tears. I shake my head, not trusting my voice. He grabs my hand to calm me down. It doesn't really work, instead, my heart rate speeds up and I forget how to breath.

Both of which seem to go unnoticed by Eli as he says something about helping me write it. And as he's talking, the only thought I can process is that this really hot Goth guy is holding my hand. And, oddly enough, I'm enjoying it.

**xxxxxx**

It took all period, but Eli and I got my paper done. And I felt really bad that he wasted the whole period on me. "I'm really sorry you had to help me with my paper." I said as we walked out of English. "I never even got to edit yours." I really felt bad.

Eli stops walking and turns to face me. His eyes lock with mine as he says, "I didn't _have_ too," He says, smirking. "I _wanted _too." I smile at him and he turns to walk away. I start to turn too, but he turns back, walking backwards towards his next class, he says, "You can make it up to me. Meet me at my parking spot after you get your stuff from your locker." He calls, smirking at me, before turning back around.

"Wait! Where are we going to go?" I call, but he just keeps walking and even though I can't see his face, I know he is still smirking. I smile and turn around, only to come face to face with the very people I have been avoiding for the last few months.

"Hey, Clare Bear." Jenna's sugary sweet voice hits my ears and I frown, avoiding their eyes, I search for an excuse to get away.

"H-hey," I say, my smile instantly dropping from my face.

"So, you and that emo kid, huh?" Jenna asks me, looking slightly disgusted. I scowl at her. How dare her, first she steals my boyfriend, and now she thinks she can waltz over her, with said ex, and ask me about my love life and trash my friend.

"He's not emo and he's not my boyfriend, and it's _none_ of your concern." _No matter how much I wish he was_, I add mentally. She scowls back at me.

"Well, you don't have to be so rude." She says in her nauseating voice. She's one to talk.

I glance over her shoulder and find my escape. "You know, as fun as this little chat has been, I really have to go save Adam." I say, running past them and towards Adam, who is currently being harassed by Fitz. "Hey!" I call and Fitz and his cronies stop messing with Adam and turn to look at me. "Leave him alone, you jerks!" I say as reach them.

Fitz looks me up and down, licking his lips. I suddenly feel my lunch about to show itself again when he calls his friends off Adam and steps closer to me. I back up, fear apparent on my face, but he just steps closer until my back hit's the locker and his face is hovering above mine.

I look at Adam, my eyes pleading for him to go get help. He runs of towards Eli's next class, glancing back at me once, before disappearing around the corner. I slowly move my eyes back to Fitz, who is smiling widely at me.

"You know, I have always had a thing for smart girls," He says, playing with one of my curls. Okay, eww. His breath smells horrible, and I hate that he is so close that I can smell it.

"Poor me." I mumble under my breath, but, to my horror, he hears me. Fitz takes a hold of my shoulders and pulls me from the lockers slightly, only to slam me back against them again. I cry out in pain as my shoulders, back, and head hit the locker.

"What. Did. You. Say?" Fitz asks, his teeth clenched tightly. I frown, tears well up in my eyes as I look over his shoulder, hoping to see Eli, but he's not there.

I swallow before speaking. "N-n-nothing." I say, scared to death.

He smiles again and runs his dirty hand up and down my sides as he leans in to whisper in my ear. "You wanna go some where a little more private?" Instant pictures of him attempting to rape me ran threw my mind and I freaked.

"Let me go!" I shouted, shoving his shoulders as I tried to pry his hands off of me. Everybody passing by glances at us in mild interest, but doesn't stop to help me. Where the heck is Adam at with Eli?

"Hmm, let me think about that." He pauses, pretending to think.

"Wow. I didn't know you were capable of thinking." I'd recognize that smug, cocky voice anywhere. I look up and saw Eli. He looked angry. No, scratch that, he looked absolutely _livid . _I allowed myself a moment to be happy that he was so mad at Fitz for the position he had me in.

Fitz smirked at me. "Don't worry, red, we'll finish this later. I promise." Okay, I'm seriously about to barf here.

Eli came over and ripped Fitz off of me before punching him in the face. "If you _ever_ touch her again, I will kill you." He says, throwing punch after punch. Wow, he's mad. I feel my face heat up a little and I smile. When Fitz gets out of Eli's grip and throws his own punch, I snap out of it and try to get them to stop.

"You guys, stop!" I call, but they ignore me and continue fighting, so I turn to Adam, who winces slightly when Fitz gets another hit in. "You have to stop them!" I say, in complete panic. He just shakes his head.

"There is no way I can stop them. Eli is pissed that Fitz had his hands on you and Fitz is pissed that Eli interrupted-" He pauses. "Well whatever he was doing." Adam says and I have to fight back a smile, because I'm flattered that Eli is so mad.

Finally, Principle Simpson cuts in and pulls them apart. "My office. Now." He says and heads towards his office and Fitz fallows him.

Eli turns his head and winks at me, before heading after Mr. Simpson and Fitz. I blush again and head towards my locker, before heading out to wait for Eli with Adam at his hearse.

**xxxxxx**

"So how much trouble are you in?" I ask Eli as I clean his lip off. He ais currently sitting on the hood of his hearse and I'm standing in front of him, waiting for Adam. He forgot his Algebra book in his locker, and he had to go get it.

"Well, it was either suspension for a week or detention for two weeks," Eli says. He is staring at me so intensely I feel a blush coming on. I busy myself with cleaning his lip.

"So which did you chose?" I question, turning to throw the bloody paper towel away. Eli stands up, too.

"Detention, my dad would kill me if I got suspended." He says and I turn around, only to come face to face with him. I feel my heart speed up and he steps a little closer, if that's even possible. And I thought my face was red before.

He leans in slightly and I'm paralyzed. All I can think is, "He's gonna kiss me. He's gonna kiss me. Oh my gosh, he's about to kiss me."

"You have something in your hair," His voice tickles my neck as he speaks and he lightly pulls a piece of lint out of my red hair.

I bit back a frown, more than a little disappointed that he didn't kiss me. Damn it. I mean, darn it. Sorry god, I send a quick prayer up to God.

It's weird, lately, I hadn't been as religious as I used to be. It's not that I've lost faith, far from it actually, I just don't feel as close to God as I once did. I guess I've been so busy with my family and friendships that are falling apart, that I just haven't had time for God. That thought made me feel horrible and I promised myself that when I got home later, I'd sit down and read the bible or something.

He backs away, his infamous smirk planted on his face.

"Hey guys! Thanks so much for waiting for me. If I had left my book, I would have failed that test tomorrow, for sure." Adam babbles on, and normally, I would have at least pretended to pay attention, but after the thing with Eli, I couldn't pay much attention to anything. Eli winks at me from behind Adam. Needless to say, I could have died on the spot.

I numbly walked to get into the passenger seat of the hearse, Adam sitting in the back, still chatting, not even noticing that we aren't listening. I was to busy freaking out on the inside and Eli was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

We dropped Adam off at his house and said our goodbyes, before heading to a place unknown. Well, to me it was unknown. "Where are we going?" I ask, speaking for the first time since we left school.

He just smirks, not even bothering to answer my question. I pout, "Eli," I know I was whining slightly, but I didn't care.

He glances at me for a split second, before turning his eyes back to the road in front of him. "Sorry, can't tell you that." He ignores my protests and turning the radio up and his screamo fills the silence.

I raise my eyebrows slightly when we pull up at the Dot. "The Dot? You couldn't tell me we were going to the Dot why?" I ask, kind of confused.

Eli smirks, man he does that a lot. "I didn't feel like it." He says as he opens the car door for me. I roll my eyes at his comment.

"Whatever," I mumble, not in the mood to argue with him.

He, again, opens the door to the Dot for me and we head in. After we get our orders, Eli breaks the slightly awkward silence. "Let's play twenty questions," Eli says, taking a bite of his burger.

"Okay, you start." I demand, hoping to give myself sometime to form a good question. Eli seems to think so too, according to what he says next.

"Need sometime to think of a question?" He raises an eyebrow at me. How does he read me so well?

I throw a fry at him, which he catches and shoves into his mouth. "Just ask me a question, already." I say, feigning annoyance, which he sees right through.

"Okay, okay." He puts his hands up in an 'I'm innocent' gesture. "What's your favorite color?" Eli asks and I pause to think.

"Very original," I mumble before answering. "Red." I say, deciding. "Now, I'd ask you, but I think it's pretty obvious what yours is." I mumble, chewing my burger. "Why do you drive a hearse?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"My grandfather owns a funeral home. And I got it for free, considering it keeps breaking down." He says, shrugging as if it was no big deal. And to me, it wasn't anymore. "Does it freak you out?" He asks.

"Is that your question?" I ask, before answering. He nods and I continue. "It did, a little bit at first. But, now, not so much," I shrug. He smiles a rare, genuine smile, which causes me to smile. "Your turn." I mumble, looking down.

"What type of music do you listen to?" Eli asks, finally deciding on a question after a few moments of silence. That's an easy question.

"Mostly indie rock, some punk and alternative." I say, before asking my own question. "Do you have any brothers or sister?" I ask.

"Nope." He pops the 'p'. "You?" I nod.

"Yeah, a sister. Her names Darcy." I say, frowning at the thought of her. I make a mental note to call her when I get home. I haven't talked to her in a while. "What's your favorite number?" I ask.

"18." Eli says, and pauses, probably trying to think of a question. My phone suddenly starts vibrating, so I pull it out to see a text from my mom.

**Mom: Where are you?**

I quickly type in a response.

**Clare: At the dot. Y?**

She responses pretty quickly.

**Mom: Your father and I need to speak with you. Come home now.**

I rack my brain, trying to figure out why they'd need to speak with me. I did the dishes, I made my bed, I haven't failed a class. So why? Then I remember Eli's words from a while ago and frown.

"_**Well, do you think their getting a divorce?"**_

Crap. I glance at Eli, who's openly staring at me. I clear my throat, "My mom wants me home. She says her and my dad need to talk to me." Worry is evident in my voice and he frowns.

"Alright." Eli says quietly, before paying for our food.

All I can think about on the ride home is why they'd need to talk to me. I prayed harder than I ever had before that they wouldn't tell me their divorcing. Eli held my hand the whole way home, but I was to distracted to blush and stuff.

When I walked through the door, after telling Eli goodbye and promising I'd call him when I got the chance, I walked up to the door. I paused, allowing myself a few minutes to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen next. "Hold on, Clare" I whisper to myself. When I open the door, I know instantly why I'm here. I swallow my tears.

Maybe I should have held on a little tighter.

**A/n: Dun dun dun. Yay! My first cliff hanger. Anyways, I wont blame you guys if you hate me. Hell, I'd hate me too, but if I didn't end it here, I'd type at least five more pages before I found a good place to end it. And I didn't want to do that. So yeah. **

**Review and I'll love yah forever ****J**


	2. So Sick

**Okay all I can say is WOW. I was absolutely shocked that people actually liked this. Seriously. Anyways, I don't know how old Darcy is, so I guessed. Hopefully I wasn't that far off. . And btw; this is set in October. **

**xXSundaySupriseXx thanks so much for the review. I was worried I'd screw her character up and I'm glad I wrote her correctly and in character. **

**Caribbeangirl94 I'm glad you think so! And don't worry im going to continue. Thanks for the review.**

**And to everybody else that reviewed and/or favorite and/or put it on story alert, thanks! ****J**

**Disclaimer: I don't own, gosh.**

"_**I'm so sick of love songs, so tried of tears. So done with of wishing you were still here. Said I'm sick of love songs, so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"**_

**xxxxxx **

They didn't have to tell me. I already knew the minute I saw _her_. All those nights my dad had spent 'working' came to mind as I entered the living room. My dad had an affair. My mom wasn't crying when I came in, but when she looked up at me, her eyes were all red and puffy and I knew she had been crying.

"Sit down, honey." My mom said, quietly and I did, beside her, with my dad and his 'friend' across from us. When I sat down, I got a good look at her face and instantly recognized her as Cara, the young and beautiful blonde that was my dad's assistant.

She was only a few years older than Darcy, I thought, more than a little nauseated. I was scared more now than before of what they were going to tell me. I knew that if they were going to make up she wouldn't be here. But she was. And they weren't.

"You're mother and I spoke and we've decided that it's better off for everybody if we get a divorce." He says, in a slightly bored tone, as he grabs the home wreckers hand. I scowl.

"No. You decide, dad. When you screwed everything up and cheated. I can not believe this! How old is she? Twenty four? Only four years older than Darcy! What does that make you? A almost pedophile? I know what she is! A home wrecking whore!" I scream, upset, angry, and confused. I can not believe this.

Upset my parents are over, angry my father did this, and confused over why this had to happen to us. We didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this.

"Clare." My mom says quietly, touching my shoulder, but I shrug her off.

My dad stands up and slaps me. "Don't you ever talk about Carrie like that again. And you don't talk to me like that, either." I stand there, shocked. I slowly raise my hand to my cheek and touch it lightly.

"I will never forgive you." I whisper, before running upstairs to my room and slamming my door with all the force I can muster up. I lock my door and slide down it, tears falling silently from my face as I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them, crying until I run out of tears, and then I cry some more.

And I all can think is _why?_

**xxxxxx**

"_Throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape. We wont hear a word they say, they don't know us anyway. Watch it burn, let it die, cause we are finally free tonight."_

I wake up on the floor, in front of my bed room door, curled up in a ball, to Eli's ring tone.

Boys Like Girls' song The Great Escape.

I smile as I pull my cell out, throwing a glance at the clock over my shoulder.

_**10:23 PM**_

I had been asleep for about six hours or so. "Hey," I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying. My heart rate sped up and I forgot how to breathe for a minute when he spoke.

"Hey." Eli whispered back.

That scared me.

I knew how relationships ended. Darcy and Spinner, Darcy and Peter, Mom and Dad, Ali and Johnny, KC and I. I didn't want us to end up like that, so I promised myself that I wouldn't fall for Eli.

But it just might be too late for that.

"You've been crying." He doesn't ask, he instantly knows. Yep, way too late.

"Can we talk about this in person?" I whisper, sure that my mom is asleep.

"I'll be there in 10." Eli says, before hanging up. I run my hand through my curls, before heading to the bathroom to check myself out. I'm shocked to see dried blood on the corner of my mouth, but then I remember my dad had hit me and I frown.

I wash my face and try to cover up the cut up with a bit of foundation, but it doesn't really work. So I take a deep breath and walk out the door with my head held high.

Okay, well I actually climb out of my window and onto the conveniently placed tree, which I climb down, almost falling twice and almost twisting my ankle once, but my head was still held high. I sigh in relief when I make it down alive.

"Hey." Say's a voice behind me and I jump, ready to start screaming.

I sigh in relief, again, when I see Eli. "Oh, it's just you." I say, holding a hand to my heart.

He copies me and feigns anger. "Well, that doesn't hurt at all." Eli says, his normal sarcasm evident. I smile, glad to know at least one thing hasn't changed. He smiles too, before grabbing my hand and pulling me down the street a little ways to his hearse.

_Bad Clare. _I scold myself mentally when I feel my heart skip a beat. _No love. You know how it ends. _I don't want to be so cynical, but I can't help it. I'm _scared to death _and I don't want to trust anyone, anymore. I can't risk it. I just can't. He's all I have right now and I _wont_ mess that up. I refuse to.

I smile and whisper a thanks when he opens the car door for me. I start to turn and get in, but he lightly gets a hold of my wrist and turns me back to face him. Goose bumps rise at his touch, but he ignores that. He is too busy frowning and looking at my lips.

I'll admit it, I was confused for a minute. Then I frowned, remembering the cut. He was still holding my arm as he moved his other hand up, taking a hold of my chin and lightly touching the corner of my mouth with his thumb. I have to remind myself how to breathe and I get instant flashbacks of when Fitz gave him that busted lip.

"What happened?" Eli asks, his figures still on the corner of my lip.

_You know how it ends. _A voice taunts me in my head and I frown. I wanted this guy more than anything, but I was scared.

"I called the girl that messed up my family a home wrecking whore and that didn't make my dad to happy," I whisper, noticing just how close we are now.

He smirks slightly at the fact that I did that, but it is replaced with a look of anger and hatred as I continue.

"So he slapped me. Guess he really does care more about her than my mom and I." I have to fight back tears and he notices. He pulls me into his arms and I inhale his sent. Axe, downy, and musk. I'm pretty sure that he noticed I just smelt him, but he didn't say anything, which kind of shocked me. He never passed up a chance to tease me.

"Lets go some where to finish off that game of twenty questions." Eli pulls away from me and walks around the car, getting into his seat. I just stand there, felling kind of dumb and more than a little confused. Why did I enjoy that hug so much, it's not like I'm in love with him or anything.

Right? Of course not.

_Denial. _A voice sings in my head, but I ignore it and climb into Eli's car. He looks at me in question, an eyebrow raise, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he turns his car on and drives away from my house and my problems.

His loud screamo hit my ears, and oddly enough, I sort of like it.

**xxxxxx**

"Okay, umm, favorite extinct animal?" I ask Eli, as he pushes me on the swings. We had headed to the local park to finish our little game.

"Dinosaur. Do you have any pets?" Eli answers, then asks his own question. We had been here for about thirty minutes and I was more than a little shocked that he still had questions left. I could barley come up with anything myself.

"Nope. Umm," I pause, trying to think of something. I know his favorite band is Dead Hand and his favorite music is Rock, so those are out of the question. And I know his favorite color is black, so I can't ask that. "What's your mom's name?" I ask softly.

"Rose." Eli continues pushing me. "What's your favorite thing about me?" He asks, slowing the swing down a little.

The cool autumn wind blows against the pale skin of my face and my curls fly around my face. I stop and really think about this question. What was my favorite thing about him? The way he makes me feel? No, I hate that. His gorgeous smirks and annoying sarcasm? Maybe. The fact that I feel like I can tell him anything? That's a good one. The fact that he's so different from anyone else I've ever met? Sure.

I hate him for giving me so many things to chose from. I don't want to like him. And I really don't want to love him. But that doesn't change a thing. Not that I do love him.

_Denial._ The voice enters my head again and I bit back a scowl.

"That many to chose from, huh?" Eli's cocky voice pulls me from my thoughts and I roll my eyes.

"Actually, I was trying to think of at least one good thing, but I haven't yet." I lie, teasing him. He, being Eli, see's right through my lie.

"Liar." His voice tickles my neck and I shiver, involuntarily. I can feel his smirk against my neck. I freeze, trying not to make a move, hoping that he wont notice how much the proximity between us is affecting me. He laughs out loud, obviously noticing and I turn red. "Well? Thought of anything?" He asks, starting to push me again.

I frown. "You're a jerk." I mumble under my breath, but he still hears.

"And that's your favorite thing about me? Really?" Eli is smirking. Heck, he's always smirking. That smirk is like his trade mark. His very sexy trade mark. _No. Bad Clare_. I yell at myself mentally, reminding myself about how all relationships fail and other stuff that I don't really pay attention to, even though I was the one telling myself this stuff.

"You're a great listener and you never judge me." I whisper, ignoring his comment.

"Really? I was hoping more for, 'Your hotness of course!'" Eli says, and I laugh at his imitation of a girl. "But good listener works too." He says into my ear. This guy is going to be the death of me, I'm sure.

"Well, what's your favorite thing about me?" I ask, curious and a little hopeful. Of what, I don't really know.

Eli pauses, taking a moment to think. I glance back at him, only to find him studying me intently. It unnerves me slightly and sometimes I feel as if he can see though me, see past all the walls I've built up to keep everyone out.

When I'm with him, it's like those walls just come tumbling down, just like that. And I _really_ hate that. But at the same time, I kind of like it, too. It's hard to explain.

"You're so different than anyone I've ever met. You have values and you're smart and sensitive, you're the only person who can match me in sarcasm and wit. You're gorgeous and completely _real_. Something you don't see everyday." Eli says and I swear I turned thirteen shades of red, each one darker than the last.

My brilliant response to that? And please note the sarcasm. "Um…" Yeah, I could have done a little better, put a little more thought into that. Eli just laughs and continues to push me.

**xxxxxx**

"I am so _sick_ of these _stupid_ love songs," I mumble, laying beside Eli on the grass in my yard after school the next day. My head was beside his feet and his head was beside my feet. We were listing to my iPod and brain storming ideas for our next essay when Realize by Colbie Caillat started playing.

"Good. That gives me a chance to change the song." Eli says, sitting up. I also sit up, and snatch the iPod before he can touch it. Eli stares at me in confusion, raising an eyebrow.

"I like this song." I whisper. Man, I sound like a complete and total idiot.

He just continues staring at me and I avert my gaze to the ground, busying myself with pulling grass out of the ground.

"_**If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other and will never find another, just realize what I just realized"**_

The music fills the silence and I know Eli is waiting for me to speak. I don't know that I want to though. I meant what I said, he is a great listener, but I don't think I'm that great of a... talker, I guess would be the word for it.

How do I explain to him that I hate love songs because part of me hates love and part of me just wants to be loved? Yeah. There is no way. So I change the subject. Or attempt to at least.

"So. Nice weather were having, eh?" I says, attempting small talk. And fail miserably, of course.

Eli doesn't even bother to cover up his laugh.

I frown and hit him lightly on the shoulder. He just laughs harder.

"I don't see what's so funny, _Elijah_." I say, making sure to emphasize his name.

Well that worked like a charm.

Eli stopped laughing instantly. "Now, that is just cruel." He says, scowling at me.

I just smirk in return. But it doesn't last. "Every where I look, love fails. My parents. My sister and her two exes. Ali and her Ex, Johnny. KC and I.." I trail of at the last one, briefly wondering why in the world I'm telling him this.

He nods for me to continue and I do.

"But… I still want to have some kind of hope that love doesn't always end in disaster. That you don't always end up with nothing but pain in the end, as a result of it. I guess, love songs are the only little bit of hope I have left to hang on to. But at the same time, love songs bring bad memories to the surface. One's that were, at one time, good. It hurts, but I don't want to let go of them. I don't want to give up. I'm not the type of person too." As I'm pouring my heart to this guy I've known for two months, I have to wonder. _Am I really telling him this? Why am I telling him this? _I think the answer is obvious.

I'm just not ready to admit it to myself yet.

**xxxxxx**

**So? How was it? And please, don't hesitate to tell me if it was cliché. I **_**hate**_** cliché. I absolutely loath it for some reason. And if I can't read it, I defiantly don't want to write it. So if you think anything is even just a little bit cliché, tell me. Seriously. Okay, that ends my ramble/rant-ish thing. Oh and if you're wondering, no I haven't forgotten about their detentions; I have special plans for that next chapter, which is the chapter the plot really gets going. Minor Spoiler: Clare seems slightly happy now, but that is not going to last much longer.**

**;)**

**Anyway, thanks for reading guys and don't forget to leave a review! **

**Fact: They make me update faster ****J**


	3. Never Say Never

**Authors Note: **Lets all pretend Darcy never got raped, please? I don't really think I'd be all that realistic if they both did. And it destroys my story line if Clare doesn't. Let's pretend that Darcy witnessed a murder or something and that kind of messed her up and made her attempt suicide. Please? This is the chapter I get the plot going. Oh and I just reread the last chapter in live preview, and I noticed I put her name in as Cara the first time I typed it and Carrie the second, so lets say her name is Cara, her dad just gave her the nickname Carrie. Sorry if there was any confusion. And sorry for the novel-like authors note.

**Important!: **I'm thinking about writing a quick preface. Giving it it's own chapter at the beginning and everything. I'm not quite sure yet, but check the first chapter just incase. It will be appropriately titled, 'Preface'. I'm so creative, huh? ; ) And I'm thinking of doing a short one-shot in Eli's perspective of when he sees Adam with his arm around Clare's shoulder (That part is in this chapter,) If I do it, it'll be set right after Clare walks away. (You'll see what I'm talking about.) So I want you're feelings on that.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

"_**Some things we don't talk aboutbetter do withoutjust hold a smilewe're falling in and out of lovethe same damn problemtogether all the whileyou can never say neverwhy we don't know whentime and time againyounger now then we were beforedon't let me go,"**_

**xxxxxx**

I probably should have taken the ride home that Eli offered me after detention that day, but I wanted to walk to clear my head. I probably should have avoided the alleyways, but it was a short cut. I probably should have noticed he was following me, but I was to busy chatting with Ali on my cell phone. I probably should have screamed a little louder when he grabbed me, but I was scared. I probably should have fought a little harder, but I was weak.

"I promised we'd continue this later and I always keep my promises." What. A. Bastard.

He raped me twice and broke my left wrist and bruised my cheek. I never got to tell Ali where I was and I didn't scream in time for her to hear, because Fitz grabbed the phone before I could, so she just thought I had hung up on her. I laid there for a bit after he was done, then I went to the hospital. To get a rape kit (just incase I decided to press charges) and my arm fixed. I didn't want them to tell my parents, I told them I'd do it myself.

And then I went home. I covered my bruises, uttered some excuse about falling off my bike at the park, and pretended it never happened.

I don't think, at the time, I realized how much this whole thing would effect me.

How much it would effect all of us.

**xxxxxx**

"Clare. Please. Talk to me!" My dad calls though my locked door. I don't answer. He came back to get all of his crap. He's going to move in with _Cara. _My dad says he doesn't see why I don't like her, then he went on to tell me all of her perfect qualities. Yeah, I came up with a few myself.

Home wrecker. Bimbo. Gross for dating an old man. And, okay well that's all I have, but it's good enough. Messing my family up is a good enough reason to hate her. My cell phone starts vibrating, so I crawl over to my night stand, from where I was sitting in front of the door, to get it.

**Ali: Cnt hang. Gt a dubl date w/ Jenna & KC. Srry.**

I frown, rereading it a few times. Not because I don't understand it, but because she's actually ditching me for Jenna, KC, and Drew. I was going to tell her what Fitz did to me, but if she wants to ditch me for back stabbers, that's just fine with me. I type my response in and throw my phone across the room.

**Clare: Whatever.**

My phone vibrates again, but I ignore it and bite back a sob. Everything is going wrong. I get up and go to my bathroom, where I place both of my hands on the sink and look into the mirror.

I don't even recognize myself and it is hard to believe I'm the same person I was last year. But, maybe, that's because I'm not. Not really, anyway. I've changed. I'm not the happy go lucky girl I was, the one that wasn't afraid of anything. And I'd give anything to be her again, but I guess that's completely impossible.

I spare a glance down at my hand and I zero in on my ring finger. My purity ring. I pull it off slowly and stare at it. _Pure hearts wait. _Silent tears stream down my face and I wipe them away, as more stream down, replacing the first ones.

I don't understand why all of this is happening, but I'm not one to question God. So I suck it up, wash my face, put my ring back on, and get ready for bed.

The next day, as I'm walking out of my door to go to school, I pause by my jewelry box. I'm a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. So I pull the ring off and place it carefully into the small drawer and hold back tears. "Be brave." I whisper to myself.

I manage to avoid my mom, which isn't that hard anymore. Ever since my parents decided on the divorce, my mom has thrown herself into her work and fundraisers. I never really see her anymore, and it's starting to seem like I don't have parents. Their both too busy for me and I hate that.

Ali was walking to school with, surprise, surprise, Jenna and KC, so I walked to school alone. My hand stayed in my pocket the whole way. Everybody's going to notice, because I have a cast on my left wrist, and my ring was on that hand, but I still have to try. I mentally prepare myself for the rumors and gossip that's sure to come, as I walk through the doors of Degrassi, knowing that when I walk back out later, nothing is going to be the same.

**xxxxxx**

"_What happened to your arm?" _And _"Where's your purity ring?" _Those were the questions I expected. So when Eli had a completely different question, I had to stop and ask myself why, again, was I denying the fact that I was in love with him. _You're scared. _A voice whispered back.

The question, you may ask?

"Can I murder Fitz? Please?" That was the first thing he said to me, when he spotted me by my locker that morning. I liked that he was so protective of me, it made me feel… loved. I shook my head, though, because he needed to stay out of this. "You want me to, though." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. And I did, I really wanted him to.

I had never met someone who could read me so well, not even Ali could. And we've been best friends for a while. It was weird for me and I was still getting used to this.

"That's not the point," I murmured, busying myself with pulling my gym clothes out of my locker. Eli moves to where he's standing behind me, he moves in a little closer, to where my back is only an inch away from his chest.

"Then, please tell me, what is?" Eli whispers in my ear. I gulp loudly, fighting the shivers that are about to come on from his words. He runs his hand down my arm and I get instant flashbacks.

"_**It's alright, it'll be fun." Fitz whispers to me, I was pent facing the wall and he runs his hand down my arm, grabbing my wrist hard, and turning me around to face him.**_

"Move." I swallow my tears and turn to face him. Eli can tell I'm about to cry, so he does. "I-I have to get to gym." I whisper, shutting my locker and heading towards the gym.

Eli grabs my un-injured arm and turns me towards him. It wasn't in a ruff way, but I still flinched. He looked more than a little shocked. Eli pulls me a little closer and stares into my eyes. "What did he do to you?" He whispers, horrified of the answer.

"Nothing. He didn't do anything. I have to get to gym. I'll see you in English, Eli." I pull my arm away and turn, walking away. I can't hold my tears back, so I just let them fall.

"Liar." I swear I hear him whisper, before turning away and going to his next class. My tears just fall faster and I ignore all of the looks I get as I walk. I stop at the bathroom to clean my face off.

"Did you hear?" Jenna's voice fills the bathroom and I dive into an empty stall and pull the door shut, before standing on the toilet. I'm not usually one to eavesdrop, but I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"No. What?" Ali. Of course.

"Clare isn't wearing her purity ring! I smell a scandal." I can just hear the smirk on her face. Why was I ever friends with her again?

"What? No, I'm sure she just lost it or something. Clare's not the person to do that." I feel horrible, because, honestly, I was expecting her to assume the worst. It makes me feel better to know that she was still my best friend.

"Well, I think her and that emo kid had sex. He seems like the type to persuade people." I can't believe her. I mean, the boob job rumor was one thing, but this. I don't even wait to hear what Ali says next. I just down off the toilet and slam the door open.

I was mad. Who does this girl think she is? She can't just judge me like this. I don't understand why she does this. Does Jenna just want attention or what? I mean, really. It's getting annoying.

"I thought I told you, he isn't emo." Their faces where priceless. Jenna looked guilty and Ali looked shocked. "The boob job rumor was one thing, but this? Jenna you don't even know what you're talking about. Eli and I didn't have sex. So you can kill that rumor." I say. I didn't want to pull Eli into this.

"I-I'm sorry." Jenna stutters out.

"No, you're not." I say, before storming out of the bathroom. As I come out, I notice everybody staring at me, so I hold my head high, swallow my tears, and pretend I don't notice that everybody is looking at me. Jenna sure does have a big mouth.

Today is going to be a long day.

**xxxxxx**

If anybody had told me last year, that I was going to become great friends with a transgender kid, I would probably have laughed and walked away. I used to be sort of judge mental. But here I am, getting advice from Adam. I told him. Everything.

I told him because, I needed to tell someone, and I don't know how to tell my mom, I'm not speaking with my dad, Ali is to busy with her own life to worry about mine, I don't want to tell Darcy over the phone, and if I tell Eli, he'd go after Fitz, I'm sure.

He put his arm around me in a friendly way and I sniffle. We are sitting at the picnic tables in front of the school. "How do I tell Eli? And Ali and my family? Huh, I mean, what do I do?" I ask him as a fresh set of tears fall from my eyes.

"I don't know how you're going to tell everybody. You should talk to Ali about that. She seems like she'd know." Adam says and things are quiet for a minutes. "You need to press charges, Clare." He says.

I start to say something, but Eli cuts me off. "Who does she need to press charges against?" I turn my head and see Eli standing behind Adam and I. He zeros in on Adam's arm on my shoulder and raises an eyebrow. I swear I see something flicker in his eyes, but it's gone as soon as it came.

I panic. "No reason. Umm, I have to go." I pull Adam in for a hug. "Thanks for the advice, I'll make sure to talk to Ali. And don't tell him." I whisper the last part low enough for only him to hear, but I think Eli still heard, because he looked kind of hurt when I pulled away from Adam and got a good look at his face. "See you guys later," I whisper and grab my stuff.

I get a few feet away before I hear feet, and Eli comes up beside me. He doesn't say anything and I really want to know what he's thinking, but I don't ask. I spare a glance in his direction and see that he's watching me, carefully. "What?" I whisper.

"You can tell me, you know." Eli says to me and I frown.

"There's nothing to tell you." We had stopped walking now, and turned to face each other. I can see Adam, out of the corner of my eye, watching us in interest.

Eli doesn't speak, he just lifts my hand, the injured one, carefully and stares at my ring finger. I feel my heartbeats increase and I hold my breath. "You're not wearing your purity ring." He says, running one long white finger across mine.

"I- um- I lost it." I lie. Hmm, I guess I am a liar.

He raises an eyebrow at me. "You lost it?" He prompts me to continue. I come up with a quick lie off the top of my head.

"I took it of when I got in the shower this morning and sat it on my sink. When I was washing my face, I accidentally knocked it down the drain." I say, lying flawlessly. But as I said before, he can read me better than anyone.

"You're lying." Eli says. _He'd never give up on me_, I think, smiling mentally. That thought makes me feel good.

"What- no. I'm-" I stop when he just looks at me. What do I say now? Do I attempt to lie again? Do I tell him? Maybe I could just run. Yeah, that last option sounds really good.

As I'm about to speak, Fitz calls, "Hey! Clare! I had a great time last night!" I feel my stomach lurch. "Maybe we can do it again some time?" He winks at me and walks away laughing.

I run to a bush and throw my lunch up. The thought of him raping me again is just… I throw up again. "You and _Fitz_?" Eli asks, sounding disgusted. "You had _sex_ with _Fitz_? I can't believe this. No wonder you wouldn't tell me!" He shouts.

"Be quite." I motion for him to calm down. "And don't assume you know everything, okay? Because there is a lot you don't know!" I say, upset he would automatically think I'd just do that.

"Well tell me. Please. Just tell me." He starts out loud, but lowers down to a whisper. I fell really bad, but I can't tell him. Not now. I don't say anything and he frowns. "Did you, you know. Have sex with him?"

I pause, trying to think of what I can say. I can't stomach lying to him again for some reason. "..Not technically." I hope he fights. I want him to force me to tell him, to not give up on me. I don't want him to think that I'd really do that. Eli's jaw drops and he looks at a loss for words. But he does. "Just remember, before you start hating me, you don't know it all. Heck, you barely know anything. So, don't judge me. Please." I pled, whispering the last part, before turning to walk away.

"You're not what I thought you were! I thought you were different but you aren't. You are just like every other girl around here. You're just the same." Eli shouts after me.

I ignore him and walk faster. Adam runs up to Eli, to figure out what we said, but I don't pay any attention. Instead, I just walk faster.

Never say never.

**xxxxxx**

**Authors Note: Okay, originally this was longer. But I decided not to rush into the main plot: Clare cutting herself. But I started it. I'm very sorry this chapter is so short, I never meant to end it where I did. But if I hadn't it would have taken longer to write. And I just want to know? Who else is excited for Vampires Suck? My friends and I are so going to see it for my 15th**** birthday. Okay, my rambles end here.**

**REVIEW! …Please.**


	4. The Story of Us

**Authors Note: SURPRISE! :D I'm BACCCCCCK! Merry early Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate! So I changed my mind, I re-read the whole story and decided ****not ****to edit it. I'm just going to continue with writing it, like normal.**

**ON TO THE STORY! … yeah I'm a bit hyper at the moment (;**

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

**-xXx-**

"**Now I'm standing alone in a crowed room and we're not speaking, and I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down, and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now"**

_**-Taylor Swift, The Story of Us**_

_**-xXx-**_

_I sit there and stare at the sharp edge of the razor in my hand. Should I do it? Would it really help anything? Or would it just cause even more problems? _

_Swallowing, I place the razor to my wrist and shut my eyes, digging it deep into my skin, before hesitantly dragging it across my small wrist._

_Blood wells up, and tears fall from my eyes at the pain, but at the same time I feel something I haven't felt in so long._

_Relief._

It's sad, really, that cutting myself gives me relief, but it does. I'm not sure what it is about cutting that gives me that relief, but as long as I'm getting it, I could careless how.

I remove the blade from my skin and watch it bleed for a moment, transfixed. The sight of blood tells me I'm still alive, no matter how dead I feel right now. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I grab a towel and wipe the blood off of my arm, before I drop down on the shut toilet seat and cry.

I cry about everything. My parents' divorce, Darcy being so distant, my rape, and the fight I had with Eli. My tears fall faster at the thought of Eli. How could he think I would actually _willingly _sleep with Fitz?

Ugh, boys can be so incredibly daft.

How in the world am I going to get him to forgive me without telling him what Fitz did to me? Answer, I'm not. I'm going to have to go my whole life with the boy I just might love hating me because he thinks I sleep with his arch-enemy, when I didn't.

This really bites.

After allowing myself a few more minutes of crying, I wipe my tears and stand, deciding to go down for dinner for the first time this week.

My mom needs me.

**-xXx-**

Dinner was awkward. Dad was there and he brought Cara, his new Fiancé -Yay! Please note my sarcasm- and they spent the whole dinner making ogle eyes at each other and pecking each other on the lips. I almost threw up.

Twice.

My mom, the poor thing, had to sit threw this because she was to polite to get up and leave the Applebee's we were eating at.

That was probably the first time I really thought about how all this was affecting my mom. She was probably falling apart on the inside, but had to keep it together on the outside for me.

After the millionth kiss, I finally broke. Standing up, I yelled at my dad, "Would you please, for just once, have some respect? You're not even legally single! Do you have to sit there and make out with her? I mean, put yourself in moms position! How do you think you'd feel if your roles were reversed? Oh, wait! You can't do that, because mom would never cheat on you with some cheap whore!" I yell, drawing the attention of ever person in the restaurant.

My mom grabs my arm and tries to clam me down, but I just scowl at my dad. "I never want to talk to you again. Not until you realize what you've done to this family." I say, then add, "After you realize what you've done to me." I whisper, before grabbing my stuff and my mom's arm.

"Let's go," I say to her, and with our heads held high, we exit the Applebee's.

She follows behind me, and we head to the car. The ride home is silent, and we finally arrive home after ten minutes. I go to get out, but my mom stops me.

"Clare…" she starts, but trails off.

"Yes?" I say, now noticing the trail of tears on her cheeks, then I notice my own.

"Thank you," she whispers, staring ahead and I smile.

"Your welcome, mom." I say, and get out of the car.

**-xXx-**

The next day, I walk to school alone in the freezing cold. I didn't bother to grab a jacket, instead settling for a long sleeve plain black shirt and a pair of skinny jean. I regret that choice now.

Wrapping my arms around my thin frame, I think back to the argument with Eli. Should I have told him? He would have murdered Fitz… which, wouldn't be such a bad think if he wouldn't end up in trouble for it. I'd rather have him hate me, than in trouble.

…I think.

I'm so immersed in my thoughts, I barely notice when I bump into someone and hit the ground, all my books scattering around me. Groaning, I go to grab my books and utter an apology to whoever I hit. "Sorry," I mutter, grabbing my Advanced English book.

A hand reaches out for it the same time I do, and I freeze.

I'd know that ring anywhere.

Eli.

I look up slowly, and half of me expects him to yell at me again, while the other half of me expects him to drop his hand and get up and run, far, far away from here. Away from me.

Of course, I've never been right about this boy and he always does the thing I least expect him to. Handing me my book, he mutters. "I'm sorry," but I know it's for a very different reason.

"Really?" I ask softly, glancing up from my spot on the ground at him.

He nods, making his dark hair fly all over the place, and I smile. "Adam told me that whatever happened, you'll tell me when your ready, and I shouldn't push you. And I should have known that there was more to the story than I originally assumed," he says, looking me in the eyes. "Forgive me?" he asks, timidly.

Before I can stop myself, I launch myself into his unsuspecting arms. "Of course!" I cry, burrowing my face into his should and taking pleasure in his warmth. I sniff him slightly and he still smells the same: Ax, Downy, and musk. His smell is comforting, and as his arms wrap around me, I realize that even though I _feel _really alone right now, I'm not. I've got Eli, and, no matter what happens, I always will.

I smile into his shoulder at the thought.

"You need a ride?" he asks, still holding me, we're still kneeling on the ground, and my books are still scattered.

I nod before muttering a, "Yes, please."

He smiles, pulls away, grabs the rest of my books, and pulls me up from the ground, before opening the passenger side door of his Hearse -how and when did that get there?- before helping me in, and handing me my books.

"You won't need those, where we're going." he says, nodding towards the books in my hands as he climbs into the drivers side.

"Where? To school?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Nope, we are ditching today." he smiles, and for once, I don't argue.

I just go with it.

**-xXx-**

**Authors Note: Total filler! I know, but I was just so excited about being back and after re-reading all my reviews I knew I had to update ASAP! You guys like or no? And even though it's a filler, it's an important part of this story!**

**Review! (:**

**-Rachel**


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